Why does the ego hurt
Slow Sunday //
When love hurts (for no reason)
Love: Wasn't that even that feeling that we all dreamed of when we were in our early twenties and didn't really know what it felt like? That we thought was the best thing that could ever happen to us? Sure, we were right back then, but it's so different from what we imagined. Or is it just me?
Five years ago, I could have formulated very clearly what I mean by the feeling of love. It would have been a flowery answer, something between weightlessness and freedom - something I would have thought would have sounded insanely mature and profound. It's a pretty good thing that nature has set up there, this beautifully naive and innocent idea of things that one has not even begun to experience for oneself up to now. Because reality is not necessarily less beautiful, on the contrary. Rather, the problem with love is that it is incredibly painful. And I'm not even talking about breakups, but about love in completely intact relationships. I regularly ask myself why something so beautiful has to be so painful at the same time.
The thing about love, it's slowly but surely driving me crazy. The longer I am in a relationship, the more intense my feelings towards my heart person, the more confused the whole topic becomes for me. I can neither define love in any way, nor can I bring it into harmony with my everyday life in a dosed manner. I'm just not used to it - and I also refuse with my hands and feet - that feelings cannot be separated and analyzed in the way I normally do with opaque topics. I like to work through my perspective instead of having the feeling that I understand less every day. It feels like I'm doing an infinite step-by-step program. I've learned that you have to open up in order to love and experience love. I have struggled to understand that one cannot force love through constant closeness or avoidance of arguments. I checked that if you try to plug holes and injuries with it and heal, you endanger love. And as if that weren't enough acceptance work for my inner control and planning freak, I've been stuck for months in a phase in which I have the feeling that love is causing me so much pain that I can hardly stand it.
It's like I can't stand the thought of feeling so attached to someone. As if all the shells that are around the actual core of affection and belonging have been torn off over the meanwhile seven years of my relationship, so that I am now confronted with the raw core of my emotions. Above a certain intensity, the feeling of loving someone scares me and so far I've apparently never gotten to that point. I'm afraid of losing my favorite person, but also about myself. There are days when I feel unproductive and stand a little beside myself because I am worried that life will not be enough for all that I have not yet discovered, said and done in this relationship. I sometimes hurt when I can't put my feelings into the right words. It is as if I have become one with my counterpart in a certain way, although at the same time I have become much more free in my decisions. It's just not logical and at the same time equally exciting and incredibly exhausting. I know that I have to be patient and that I should finally stop yearning for Status X, where I can stop and linger. It just doesn't come to the point where you can collapse exhausted and rest - from love, from life and from yourself.
And the answer? I have no. I don't even know exactly what the question is. But it's good to have this written down here.
Credits: Pinterest (etsy), tumblr (mongequentin, nowandthan, fitftiessixtieseverydaylife, stagnant-chaos), myvibemylife.com
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