What screams i'm emotionally mature
Fear of Love: About people who are "emotionally unavailable"
You get to know someone who you like extremely well. And at the beginning everything seems wonderful too. And then comes that moment when you feel: It doesn't work. Because the love you have been looking for for so long suddenly scares you. And as sweet as your counterpart may be: If they come closer to you and show you their feelings, you suddenly only know one thing: Escape, panic, get out of here. And that's exactly what happens to you every time someone walks into your life.
Does it sound familiar to you? Then maybe you are one of the "emotionally unavailable" people on this planet. Those who find it difficult to tolerate feelings and who are quickly described as unable to relate.
Video: About the right mix of closeness and distance in a relationship
Also read: Hello, fear of commitment! Why it is so difficult for us to allow love
Your appointment calendar is more like that of a manager. One date here, another there and everything is still vague, non-binding, easy to cancel and everything is simple and easy again. And if you do meet a potential relationship candidate, you always stay a little at a distance. Suck on the straw of your mojito and think at the same time that this will be the first and last meeting in this constellation. Because afterwards you dive down again before it could get more complicated and binding.
Also read: Love is not a pony farm: 5 difficult relationship phases that EVERY couple goes through
The absurd: The person who ordered the mojito can still be great. It does not change anything. She's not even involved in the whole thing, if you want to be specific. Rather, the other dates in your past are to blame. The ones you didn't ride with the handbrake on. In which you trusted your feelings, let yourself in, let go - and fell terribly on the face with it.
Those who have been badly scratched and injured from their last love affairs often become an animal of flight. Because with every new love, the old memories come back. And the best solution at that moment seems so simple and helpful: If you don't get too close to me, you can't hurt me. But how do you tell your new acquaintance that you are "emotionally unavailable"? "Hey, I'm afraid of feelings? BECAUSE I like you a lot, will I be gone again?"
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No wonder that you feel completely crazy about yourself. You know why you are the way you are. But unfortunately all clever, insightful thoughts do not help when the great fear comes. You become a rabbit, illogical and panicked. Many people fearful of commitment then use the tactic that has recently been given the name "gosthing". They disappear overnight, no longer respond, no longer respond to contact. So you don't have to explain anything and you don't get into the distress of becoming weak after all.
Also read: Are you unable to relate? Do the test!
Anyone who comes across an "emotionally unavailable" person should therefore avoid one thing as much as possible: Do not exert any pressure or persuade them to do anything. Most attachment panics know very well what their problem is. And only those who give them time and space will be able to stay close to them permanently.
But just as it should be clear that "emotionally unavailable" people are not phobics or pathological narcissists, it should also be clear to everyone that there is little hope of changing them, that is, of conjuring them up with a lot of love. Ultimately, this only works if the person is ready to get out of their shell.
Also read: Spice up your love life: Put an end to the lull in sex in a long-term relationship
Only people who are afraid of commitment can change something in the situation. You have to come to terms with the old stories that hurt you so much. We have to accept that love also has an everyday life in which not everything looks like a Hollywood flick. That no one is perfect, neither yourself nor the other. But that love, despite - or precisely because of all these inadequacies, precisely because of what is not perfect, is also so grandiose.
As long as you do not face the reasons for your vulnerability, unfortunately nothing will change in the usual model: date, love, escape.
Of course, everyone ticks differently when it comes to feelings and has different limits. This article is therefore only for information and cannot replace a therapist's diagnosis. If you have serious problems, let us help you. Your psyche should be worth it to you.
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