Can sadists love their partner?

Freshly in love - quickly disappointed

Freshly in love - quickly disappointed

Why doesn't he call anymore? He's sure to have a lot to do right now. No! Pure, lousy male tactics - claims the book "Scheißkerle". We met the author Roman Maria Koidl - and learned a lot about frogs and fake princes. More than we'd like

The heart flutters with the jackhammer beat, euphoria runs through your veins, and when someone asks, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”, A woman who has just fallen in love would like to answer: “Between the silk sheets, in front of the altar a garden bench, happily smooching forever - with HIM! ”Yes, it's impressive, almost touching, how even an adult can forget everything else for a while if he thinks he has found“ the right one ”(“ This time really! ”). And shocking when it soon turns out that she has just caught another slippery, poorly trained frog from the murky pond of lonely hearts.

When the misunderstandings pile up, when his crude sayings are obviously not ironic but serious and when finally knowledge rolls over the emotional balance like a steamroller: crap! Another mistake! Then it really hurts. And you ask yourself: How stupid am I actually that I could fall for such a bastard?

Do they really exist? Men who are terrible that they deserve the label "bastard"? Yes, there are - says a man and has written an entire book about that species. We met the author Roman Maria Koidl for a conversation and asked dirty details.

Mr. Koidl, before we get down to business - are you a bastard too? No. I tend to fall into the category of “difficult to place”.

Why? What's wrong with you? I tend to tell the truth, ruthlessly and directly. Not only in my book, but also when flirting. And that scares some women. Many simply feel more comfortable with a licorice rasper. Women often think: he says such charming things, makes such great compliments, everything is packed in a totally romantic way - he just has to love me!

And in truth ...? In truth, that might be when the woman ran into a bastard. Often the whole little darling is just a tactic to get the woman into bed and then stop - but the principle of hope sets in with her. My research lasted five or six years, I spoke to around a hundred women and was horrified by the pink nonsense so many people dish out. My advice: the bigger the sayings right at the beginning of a relationship, the more skepticism is appropriate. If a grown man says after a week, "You are the woman of my life, I've waited for you 40 years", I would be careful.

But why? Many women hope for exactly such sentences. Just! The principle of hope! Of course, that's exactly what men know. There are some who take advantage of this to consciously play with a woman's feelings. Such men derive a benefit for their ego from this. And for one or the other hot night, of course. Many get away with the cheapest tricks and brag about them in front of other men. Why should they change? The frightening thing is that, of all people, the most attractive and intelligent women are particularly willing victims of lukewarm promises.

When a woman is over 30, she should know better ... Actually already. But childhood interferes with us all for a lifetime. A woman may be tough at work, smart and independent - but if she has had a difficult daughter-father relationship, there is a high risk that she will fall for a bastard in her private life. Because she wants to feel accepted, because she finally wants to be "heard" for once.

Do we have to get on the psycho couch first to feel when a man is serious and when he is playing? In any case, I have found: Especially successful women who appear confident on the outside are thirsty for emotional affection. There is the type of the favor daughter, the achievement daughter and the protest daughter. All three usually achieve great success at work. But inside remains an emptiness. In the search for the missing fatherly love, they can easily be taken advantage of by men, they can be fooled. You confuse feeling and sentimentality.

So a bastard has a special victim sensor? You could say that, yes.

Is there any chance of spotting a nasty guy right off the bat?? There are some popular scams, very classic methods, and I'll tell you about them in my book.

Tell us about such a scam. And please: ruthless! Take, for example, the bi-weekly man ...

I've heard of him. It's also pretty widespread. You probably know that: a woman has just started a hopeful love affair - and soon begins to wonder why he suddenly calls less after three or four intimate dates. How often nice explanations are sought, for example: “He's definitely stressed at work.” What nonsense! When a man is seriously interested in a woman, he is moving heaven and earth. Otherwise, the truth is unfortunately very simple: If he doesn't answer, he has simply forgotten the woman for the moment. He will only call again if he spontaneously feels like a sex number - and other candidates don't have time.

It sounds so banal and ripped off that you can hardly believe it ... But it's a common reality. You have to understand: going to bed with someone from time to time is far from being a relationship for a man, more an entertainment program with a sporty component. It is just like that! Why always women simply do not want to admit it. The more a woman reacts to such a man by constantly telephoning him, for example - the more certain he can be: I'll get rid of that next time.

Ideally every two weeks ... Exactly. But the biweekly man is still the most harmless type. OK.

Let's dare to go to level II. It becomes much more extreme when you run into a sadist. And now I'm talking about emotional and emotional sadism. It runs off without a whip.

How does an emotional sadist go about it? He is a true psycho artist. In the book I call his technique “targeted destabilization” of a relationship. The more he senses that a woman is trying to establish a solid bond with him and tries to satisfy him, the harder he works on his partner's insecurity. And it is precisely this uncertainty of the woman that gives him, the sadist, incredible satisfaction. He's a control freak who wants to keep the strings in hand.

An example, please. He resorted to manipulation, minor malice, humiliation. He spreads doubts by deliberately saying something different today than yesterday. “You said the other day that you like my blue dress?” She asks innocently. He replies: “I never said you were fantasizing!” Or: Out of nowhere, he accuses her of cheating, makes her a scene - not because he really suspects, but only to make her emotional structure uneasy bring. From this he draws strength.

But he never has the chance of a happy relationship! That is the sadist's dilemma. He's playing a destructive game that is difficult to prove to him. "You're hysterical," he says to his partner - and is happy about her suffering. Here too: lack of self-worth, no will to self-knowledge! The sadist has a program from childhood: a well-oiled ghost train, he compulsively plays the same thing over and over again with every partner.

Gosh, there really seem to be a lot of psychos out there ... Unfortunately you are right. I suspect: there aren't half as many good men as there are good women. After a certain age, many guys actually have one or the other hard-to-cure quirk. At some point women begin to recognize their own patterns and work on themselves. Men prefer to take refuge in hyperactivity or promiscuity. From the mid-30s onwards, the genders grow up like a pair of scissors.

How does a woman manage to break away from such a problem man? Listen to yourself! When you tell others about your disappointments in your relationship, it's as bad as it sounds. Stop protecting him for his quirks! Men are like young dogs: draw clear boundaries, don't get involved in games. If you don't have a “good feeling” right from the start, a happy relationship will seldom be a problem. Believe me.

240 enlightening pages about the dark in men: scary reading that makes you clever. Hoffmann & Campe, 17 euros

Are there really bad tours by women? Oh yeah! Especially when it comes to cheating! No matter how rough and brutal men may be, women are much more skilled when it comes to secrecy, they are miles ahead of us.