How do I overcome shyness or insecurity
Shy? 11 tips to overcome shyness
Some people don't like to be the center of attention. Others are downright scared of it - even if you've done a good job. you are shy. And mostly it feels like a handicap. Those who do not like to speak up in meetings, but rather exercise restraint, appear inhibited; those who avoid confrontations and conflicts are weak. It is shyness not that seldom. Nevertheless, most of those affected suffer from their insecurity and lose out in many situations. The good news is: it doesn't have to stay that way. Something can be done about such inhibitions ...
➠ Content: This is what awaits you
Shedding shyness: the prison in your head
There is a nice parable about this that shows that Essence of shyness amusingly illustrated. It is the story of a shy woman who enters an elevator with a lift boy.
The lift boy asks dutifully: "Which floor?"
Then the woman softly: "Seventh floor - but only if it is not a detour for you."
In contrast to introverted people, shy people (like extroverts) definitely want that Contact with other people. The only difference is that he or she does not get out of his or her shell. Often even a veritable one develops over time fear ofto approach others or to have to approach them (at work, for example).
Nevertheless, one must be very clear: Shyness is not a disease. On the other hand, there is no need for pills. Nor is it an innate fate to be shy. Shame in front of others is only to a very small extent - if at all - in our genes.
However - and that's the bad news - it is Shyness is a trained behavior, one of which it is difficult to let go and from which an entire army of inhibited people is now suffering. For Germany, for example, the social psychologist Bernardo Carducci estimates their number at up to 50 percent of the population, according to the extrapolation of his samples.
In order to overcome your own shyness, however, it is necessary to yourself to become aware of itwhy and in which situations the shyness occurs.
Indeed, suffer Shy often on an exaggerated, even downright self-torturing self-awareness: Everything you want to say or do, you subject to a censorship in advance, how it might affect others or how you fare with it in comparison to others.
The good side of shyness
Many shy people have a steady guilty conscienceif you prefer to be alone or if you don't want to get to know and approach new people all the time. This also has to do with the fact that extraversion is a valued personality trait in our society. Perhaps an overrated one, as Lynne Henderson, director of the Institute for Shyness in Berkeley, California, put it. She clearly says: „Extraversion and self-expression are overrated in our culture.„
This property has some (unrecognized) advantages:
- Shy people are good listeners. Ultimately, listening is a form of empathy and thus emotional intelligence. You will find that most brilliant minds are good listeners and good questioners at the same time: They inquire if they have not understood something and repeat what they have understood in their own words. The point is not to chew what has been said, but to really understand the other person, to grasp his emotions, his motives. It also conveys mutual appreciation.
- Shy think before speaking. Not only do shy people hardly interrupt others to complete their sentences. You are also able to endure silence and listen to her while the other person struggles for words or composure. And because they also think more than they speak, they also produce less nonsense.
➠ Content: This is what awaits you
Inhibitions are trained
George Bernard Shaw once said: "Man is the only living being that has a bad opinion of itself." The pioneer of Social Phobia Research and social psychologist, Philip Zimbardo, spoke in the context of the "Prison in the head". And the doctor Selma Martin once defined the problem as follows:
If you recognize it and know enough about it, you can do something yourself against shyness, which you perceive as an obstacle because it occurs again and again, even beyond the phases of life that are characteristic for it.
This has two effects:
- When talking to others, shy people can hardly concentrate on their counterpart because they are mostly with the Reflect and correct their statements and gestures are busy.
- Because, from their point of view, embarrassment is more likely than recognition, they do not act at all or fail to open their mouths, which in turn and incorrectly as Arrogance or disinterest can be rated. A self-reinforcing downward spiral is emerging.
We all experience again and again situations in which we are inhibited damp hands or thoughts of flight react: an interview, the first few days in the new job, a presentation, a blind date.
That's why shyness likes to be with you Intraversion (one of the so-called Big Five personality traits) or the completely normal one Stage Fright confused, which it is not.
Shy people live less in the present, instead they imagine the (gloomy) future and use it to create diverse ones Worst case scenarios.
When brooding and black eyes become an obsession and the anxietyTo make a fool of yourself, block you completely, or actually lead you to escape, shyness becomes dangerous. In its most extreme form, shyness turns into one social phobia.
Those affected try mostly or completely to avoid contact with other people and withdraw completely into their isolated snail shell (see graphic above). Some of them don't even dare to leave the house because of this. That sort of thing Social phobias can only be overcome with the help of a (behavioral) therapist.
But it should be clear: Shyness starts in the head. Every time the inhibited person withdraws because of his fear of embarrassment, he lacks the social corrective for his thoughts. An important way out: yourself the fear of the threshold and with a few friends begin to neutralize the unrealistic doom fantasies through the external perception.
Overcoming Shyness: Are Women More Shy Than Men?
In the magazine Psychology Today, which once had a cover story dedicated to this topic, was just about 20 percent of those affected are noticeably shy - including symptoms such as blushing, stuttering, not being able to look in the eye. The rest, and thus the majority of 80 percent, remain inconspicuous, but suffer from similarly intense agony, such as racing heart, sweating, muscle tension.
It's not that either girl would be generally more shy than boys. At most they are during puberty, when theirs Body features visually change and physical attractiveness becomes more important for the group status.
The relationship changes with the at the latest Entry into professional life to the detriment of men. Most of all, they fear not meeting the demands of women or failing as a man.
With increasing Age the gender ratio is almost balanced again.
Overcoming Shyness: 10 Proven Tips
Indeed it is Internet a blessing for many shy people. It allows them to overcome their reluctance to contact, as a study by the psychologists Levi Baker and Debra Oswald from Marquette University was able to show. After that, shy students have, for example Facebook take advantage of better quality relationships.
Reason: The online networks give more to shy people control about how they present themselves and, as a result, also affect others. In addition, they can there Chat more freely about their interests, their everyday life, their emotions - all things that you would usually never bring to your lips in a face-to-face conversation.
To find out if Shy actually benefit from their Facebook activities, Baker and Oswald first asked 241 students, 138 women, how shy they would assess themselves, how they use Facebook and how they would rate the quality of their relationships. It showed:
The more shy the students were, the more they used social networks on the Internet and the more satisfied they were with their friendships. In short: you felt more connected, uninhibited, freer - which in turn had a positive effect on relationships. So a positive feedback effect.
Of course, one cannot advise every shy person: Go on the internet! There must be others recommendations give to overcome his shyness. And indeed: they do exist. According to our research, the following tips have proven themselves time and time again:
Understand your shyness.
Understanding is the first step towards improvement. In which situations is shyness particularly common? What do you feel about it? Find out if your shyness was necessary or if you could handle the situation differently. In addition, the following applies: Challenge yourself again and again. Even if it's just to ask a stranger for directions or the time.
Take off your mask.
Anyone who is afraid of being judged by other people likes to wear a mask. Dangerous! Either it is misinterpreted or one comes under increasing pressure to continue to correspond to this projection in the future, in order not to lose the sympathies that were so hard to gain. You'd better be honest - the stronger the self-confidence that you gain from it.
Climb one level at a time.
You don't gain self-confidence in a sprint. Inhibited people in particular often expect too much at once and let the first setbacks immediately chase them into the fenugreek. Just take the first step - and then another and another. And maybe one back. So what?! Detours also lead to the goal!
Practice as often as possible.
Every time volunteers are sought for a small group presentation or speech, this is an opportunity to practice. Register yourself!
Many shy people imagine the (gloomy) future and use it to form various horror scenarios, motto: If I speak to her now, she'll think I'm a riot! If I tell him that, he doesn't like me anymore ... I have no idea about it, but if I keep quiet, the boss will notice too ... Shyness cannot be put off just by thinking about it. Instead, jump into the cold water. The best way to get rid of shyness is to tell the lie about your concerns.
In technical jargon, such thoughts are called emotion regulation (PDF). This also means that you consistently avoid chronic alarmists in your circle of friends in a preparation phase for a conversation or networking event. Just like those who brag about their eloquence. That only puts you under additional pressure and unsettled.
That not only makes you immediately likeable, but has also been proven to be the easiest and best way to get to know someone. You show that you are interested in an interaction and encourage other people to speak to you. At networking events, at trade fairs or at similar events, a sympathetic smile is still the best icebreaker.
Use your strengths.
Not being in the foreground is a virtue that many cherish. Just like being able to listen. So if you are initially worried about revealing the wrong thing about yourself, just ask questions and respond to the answers of your counterpart. Soon he will appreciate you more than any daredevil and proverb.
Don't take yourself too seriously.
Mistakes happen. Other people are also occasionally speechless. It's human, and you don't have to be ashamed of it. Slippery and perfect people are uninteresting. Try to see your mistakes and weaknesses calmly.
Did you know that the blushing itself, which many fear so much, only lasts a minute and has already reached its climax after 15 seconds? So please don't panic about it. Most of them don't even notice.
Try to be less self-centered.
Think less about yourself or how others might find you. Rather, put yourself in other people's shoes and respond to their emotions. It actually makes you more empathetic.
Feel good in your own skin.
That sounds tautological at first, but it is true: only when you feel comfortable in your own skin can you feel comfortable with strangers and put off your shyness. Do you constantly doubt yourself, radiate this uncertainty - and are more likely to experience rejection.
Bonus tip: wiggle your toes
All purely cognitive tips and tricks usually have a catch: the human brain quickly and, above all, permanently denies its owner the usual service under stress. It can happen that the previously practiced tips and techniques only come back to you when you are standing alone in the hallway with a flush of shame on your face.
A trick that always works: Wiggle your toes!
No kidding: you can never forget your two big toes and they won't fail even under stress. In order to be able to move them consciously and actively, the brain has to divert some of its energy that is blocked during stress. This only works if you consciously wiggle your toes. Many people do this instinctively when they are stressed, just unconsciously. Therefore, the good effect fizzles out. But if you do this very consciously, the upper room will be quiet immediately. Movement also releases the stress-related rigidity in the muscles, which is also often unconscious.
Try it out - it works!
Bad luck: how to deal with embarrassing situations
That might still happen: Running with a mountain of files straight into the boss's coffee cup or knocking over the business partner's red wine at a business lunch - shy people have to face such situations panic fear. But that cannot be prevented one hundred percent. After all, there are three simple ones Tricks, deal with it:
Take a deep breath and be silent.
Don't say anything now. Not even when the other is raging because you snubbed them. Any justification only adds to the embarrassment. Better to regain sovereignty. Even if you've been stupid, don't make yourself a clown - excessive self-irony will only make you look like a joke. It is possible that the others did not notice anything. Stupid when you make a big fuss about it.
Show yourself embarrassed.
To mark the cool now seems a lot harder. Some will think: Isn't that embarrassing at all? Only people without a reputation or a conscience act in this way. Humor, on the other hand - otherwise a good trump card - is sometimes even more disastrous: for example, when you have emotionally hurt or embarrassed your counterpart. So feel free to say that you are embarrassed and apologize for it.
You poured wine over the suit or dress of your table neighbor? Gone stupid. A true gentleman now apologizes, calls the cellar, asks him to fix the mishap and immediately offers to pay for all cleaning costs. It is important that you neither justify yourself nor impose conditions. After all, you don't want to buy your way out, but really want to make up for the damage.
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